October 19, 2004

Before going to Louisiana I started to clean my room. It has been in disarray for sometime. I have come to the conclusion that, if cleaned I will have a subliminal layer of stress lifted from my metaphorical shoulders. It does nag at the back of my mind and causes me to perform unnecessary tasks as in washing items of clothing twice. Why is my room messy? (I say messy instead of dirty because I do not have half eaten food laying around, just lots of clutter) Partly because I’m lazy but I think a lot of it is due to my issues with authority. I think it is a fallback to rebelling against my parents and all other authority figures. Basically I’m saying: “If I want to have a messy room, damn it I’ll have one!” Of course it’s only hurting myself and making it inconvenient for Thorin to walk back and forth. So I’m finally accepting responsibility and am going to clean my room.

Anyway the main reason for this post is I ran across some old photos while starting the aforementioned cleaning. Some of them were of me and an ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. A couple of them were of me and the dogs (we each had one and still do). It reminded me that I was truly happy with her at the time although it didn’t last.

That started me thinking that we really are the sum of our experiences both good and bad. And I wouldn’t trade any of them if I could. Yes there are things I wish didn’t happen, or even more so wish I didn’t do but not completely. If I never went trough them I’m sure I’d be a completely different person than I am today. Possibly a better one but there is no sense in speculating over that. All in all I am happy with where I’m at today. I no longer think I have all the answers or have everything figured out. The fact is I have a lot to learn and understand about the world. That used to scare or depress me but now it excites me. Everytime I’m exposed to a new experience or learn something it adds to this work in progress, me. I feel like I’m my own sculptor, my environment and adventures are my tools. I can only hope I create something worthy with them.

-Alex